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Script - Scenes from "I Love the Knightlife"

Scene Title
2 Arthur's Wedding
7 Sir Bors Gets a Reading Lesson
15 Ladies of the Lake Dancing Competition

King Arthur's Wedding - Scene 2

Page: (Blowing horn again) Introducing the Lady Guinevere. Soon to be Queen Guinevere, Mrs King Arthur, sister-in-law of Morgan Le Fey, daughter of King Lodegraunce of Camelard.

Arthur: Thank-you very much. Let the ceremony begin!

Merlin: Dearly beloved we are gathered to witness the joining of Arthur King of the Britons yadda yadda yadda to Lady Guinevere blah blah blah in holy matrimony. If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be wed let them speak now or forever hold their peace. (Everyone looks nervously around) Any takers? No last minute grudges? No grave emergencies? No old boyfriends wishing to throw a spanner in the works? C'mon this is a musical. Something bad has to happen to the main characters surely? (He looks around for any takers) Well that makes a pleasant change…

Page: (Blowing his trumpet) Presenting Morgan Le Fey, evil half-sister of King Arthur and generally nasty old bag! (Knights draw their swords)

Morgan: Don't worry little boys I only came to give my darling brother and his new wife to be, their wedding present. It's nothing much, just a little something I whipped up at the weekend (Hands Guinevere a letter which she opens).

Guinevere: It's a Curse Voucher.

Gallahad: You mean a Gift Voucher?

Guinevere: No, it has the word GIFT crossed out and the word CURSE written in nikko pen. It says this voucher entitles the bearer …

Percival: I didn't know we had a bearer in the castle anymore…

Gawain: He's not called the bearer anymore because we ran out of bears for him to wrestle. These days he fights other wild animals like goats, hens, pickled hams …

Taken from the musical "I Love the Knightlife"

Sir Bors Has A Reading Lesson - Scene 7

Bors: What's that in your hand?

Narrator: It's a book.

Bors: What's inside the book?

Narrator: Words.

Bors: And what do these words say?

Narrator: They say - Sir Bors and Sir Percival were walking through the Black Forest. Well go on then (They both walk around aimlessly). They were weary and seemed to be lost as if they had been traveling around in circles. (Knights walk in a tight circle looking exhausted) They decided they should hop on one foot from now on (They start hoping around). But still they struggled under the tremendous weight of their armour, until Percival suggested that they remove all their armour . That way they could travel faster and also sneak up on people. (Bors does a double take on Percival who shrugs his shoulders) Go on take it off! (They remove their helmets and other armour as appropriate "Stripper" music is played. Both get down to their PJ's) They continued deeper into the Black Forest, creeping, crawling, skipping, swerving, dancing until … (Knights follow Narrator's prescription until they stop mid-step of their waltz) Sir Percival whispered, "What's that noise?"

Pervical: What noise?

Narrator: No, listen again. What's that noise?

Percival: What's that noise?

Narrator: Much better, now with more expression!

Percival: (Overacting) What's that noise!

Bors: I can't hear anything with you yelling!

Narrator: It was the unmistakable sound of … a Dragon.

This was taken from the script "I Love the Knightlife".

Scene 15 Ladies of the Lake Dancing Competition

Compere: Our first contestant is Sir Flately who has developed a new style of dancing which he calls "Riverdance". Let's hear it for Sir Flately.
(Irish Jig is played. Flatley dances with hands by his side, judges are not too impressed. He is gonged)

Compere: Well done Sir Flately, before we find out your results tell me how you developed this new dance.

Flately: I started 10 years ago as a tap dancer but I found it was too dangerous.

Compere: What happened?

Flately: I kept falling into the sink.

Compere: The judges are now ready with your score.

Daisy: Sir Flatley you might think you can walk on water but you are still wet behind the ears, and your upper body action was as weak as water. Next year don't be such a drip and try something new. (Ladies hold up low score cards)

Compere: Well a disappointing start there but next is another knight from Camelot - Sir Bors. A big round of applause for Sir Bors. (Bors is just about to start when one of the ladies gives him the gong) That must have been disappointing for you. How long had you been practicing?

Bors: What's the time now?

Willow: Sir Bors we thought it better to put you out of your misery as quickly as possible.
(Ladies hold up score cards with all zeroes)

Compere: You ladies are astoundingly intelligent. Which school did you attend?

Willow: The Ponds Institute.

Taken from the musical "I Love the Knightlife"

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