- Scenes from the musical Tarzan & Jane
4 Cannibal Convention
(Numerous natives milling around eating and drinking whilst looking at
Narrator 4: Accountants attend Accounting Conventions so it makes
perfect sense that cannibals would have conventions too.
You wouldn't want to go out to dinner with these guys.
Look closely at the Menu - you might be on it.
Can1: Long time no see. How are things with your tribe?
Can 2: No good. No jobs in jungle now. Especially when the only skill
you have on your resume is the ability to eat someone. Most bosses aren't
that these days.
Can1: Unless they want to cut back on staff.
Can3: I lasted three days as a door-to-door salesman.
Can1: What happened?
Can3: I was fired for chewing people's ears.
Can2: You just can't please some people.
Can1: I hope this Convention is better than last year's.
Can4: Let's hope they found a different guest speaker. How many times
have they flogged Hannibal Lecter?
Can1: (Grabbing waiter) You call this finger food? I don't see any pinkies
whatsoever on your tray!
Can 3: What's on the menu this year?
Waiter: Spring rolls, eyeballs on toothpicks, brains in breadcrumbs, lashings
of liver and gall bladders smothered in bile.
Can4: That's disgusting! Spring rolls are gross! I wish to complain to
the manager. Where can I find him?
Waiter: He's standing beside the Witch Doctor.
Can4: Which doctor?
Witch Doctor: Yes!
Can4: Sorry, I didn't mean you.
Witch Doctor: You make fun of me?
Can4: No, wait a minute, it was a mistake.
Witch Doctor: Last one you ever make! (Casting spell on Cannibal)
Fur of a frog with one leg missing
A photo of you and your girlfriend kissing
Mix them in with blood that's smooth
Now you'll find you cannot move! SFX 4
(He is frozen in the running pose)
Chief: Ungawa, stiffy stiffy potto yum yum bum.
(Natives collect frozen cannibal and remove from stage)
Witch Doctor: Tonight's casserole will be a little meatier. (Starts laughing,
everyone follows out of fear until he signals the end)
Can5: Where did you get that portable cauldron?
Witch Doctor: I made it myself. You can buy one at my stall - only six
bananas or two for ten. Great for spells and curses on the go. Every good
mobile Witch Doctor should have one. (Some of the natives rush away to
buy these) Now that was only a small spell. You should have seen the one
I did last month. I turned a whole village into a peanut.
Can1: Roasted or boiled?
Witch Doctor: Who said that? (Nobody owns up) Don't mess with me man.
I do voodoo!
Can2: Who do?
Can3: You do.
Witch Doctor: That voodoo, so well.
8 Jane meets sister
(Jane is walking through the jungle when she meets her sister)
Narrator 6: Since splitting with Tarzan, Jane is now on the hunt for a
new man. Who knows what she'll find
wandering in the jungle.
Jane: Rita, what are you doing here?
Rita: Looking for you. (Big hug) It's been a while Sis.
Jane: Ten years I think.
Rita: Ten years with that hunk of a husband of yours. I'd trade places
with you any day.
Jane: It's a deal. You stay here with Mr "I'm too sophisticated for
swinging any more" and I'll go back to London and find a real man.
Rita: But I thought Tarzan was everything a girl could want. Strong, handsome
Jane: He was. Things have changed. He used to be the baboon's bottom,
now he's just a pile of elephant dung.
Rita: Do you remember our weird Uncle Marmaduke?
Jane: You mean the Uncle with the brown eyes and curly grey moustache.
Jane: The one who ate mothballs for morning tea and drank only washing-up
Rita: That's him.
Jane: Wasn't his best friend a hamster called Bruce?
Jane: Sorry don't recall him at all. What's wrong with him?
Rita: He's dead.
Jane: Do the doctor's think he'll recover?
Rita: No, they're pretty sure he's dead.
Jane: He might just be a really heavy sleeper.
Rita: His funeral was last week.
Jane: Did he leave us anything?
Rita: He left us a fortune!
Jane: Well we all have to go sometime. At least he didn't suffer. It was
for the best. (Pause) How much?
Rita: One million pounds.
Jane: One million pounds!
Rita: Is there an echo in this jungle?
Jane: So what's the catch?
Rita: To claim our inheritance we must return to London by the end of
the month or else...
Rita: Or else the money will be given to a charity for purred out pussies.
Jane: Stuff the cats!
Rita: Exactly. That's what they do to them when they're purred out.
Jane: What are we waiting for. Let's call a cab. (Yell) SFX 8
Rita: I didn't know you had cabs in the jungle.
Jane: Black and white cabs. The problem is the stupid zebras are never
around when you need them.
Why don't I take you for a swing instead?
Rita: O.K. What are you going to buy with your money - a Jaguar or a Porshe?
Jane: Definitely a Porshe. Jaguar's have sharp claws.